Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
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if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.