[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
You Might Also Like
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
President The Rock Obama
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Baller is short for ballerina
They’re called werewolves.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
awkward