Print is alive and well!!!
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Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*