Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.