I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
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“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Ghost costume 😂
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
My first child will be named New Folder.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.