I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
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Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
New comic up. “Ransom”
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
What personal space?
My dog
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.