There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
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My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.