[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
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[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
How to make infinite energy.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.