*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
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I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
The Struggle
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.