COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
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Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.