My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
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A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I need better friends