Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
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Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
My plans: 2020:
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
58.
💯😂
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*