Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
You Might Also Like
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.