*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
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So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
nice challenge
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)