You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
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News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
so much to do
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog