Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
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Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
He took my last fry, your honor
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there