When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
You Might Also Like
man i love columbo
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!