My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
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[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Tough love is true love
SCARY COSTUME
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
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In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
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Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.