Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
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Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.