[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
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the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
first you must answer his riddles
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
that lip filler tho
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*