when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
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He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT