Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
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CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
he’s doing your taxes
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life