*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
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Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
checking out some reviews of my local library