A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
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Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
WWE is French for “yes”
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY