Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
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HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Meeeee too!
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”