SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
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intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Clients after you give them your rates
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
584.