*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
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If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
This is my cat’s medicine.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!