The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
You Might Also Like
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
i smell a pulitzer
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill