Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
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Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
checking out some reviews of my local library
o shit
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.