[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
You Might Also Like
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?