My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
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Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”