So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
You Might Also Like
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me: