A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
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Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
“I’m helping” 😅
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…