Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
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A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
mariah carrie
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.