This is a true ally.
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ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
If you love someone, let them tweet.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.