Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
You Might Also Like
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves