We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
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My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.