The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
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mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.