He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
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Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
New comic up. “Ransom”