*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
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guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Milk Cube
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance