The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
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Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.