[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
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Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
my dog when i have a friend over
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.