Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
You Might Also Like
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.