Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
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Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
President The Rock Obama
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!