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If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying