Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
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I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say