“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
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Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Never ghost your hitman.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.