[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
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I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Hmmmmm
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars