I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
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My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.