“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
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Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!